One more thing.
I’m not going to be looking at his journal again. I’m not going to be looking in her archives (which is a little trick she taught me during one of our jealousy arguments) to look for hidden entries. There’s information that I don’t need, don’t want, and don’t have a right to; information our friendship is better served by me not having.
I’m more me this weekend than I’ve been, and I’m going to hold onto that. She’s gone up north to think about things, but I’m taking all the “maybes” away. We’ll pick up our friendship in time, but the dating is done. We were best friends, very recently, and that’s not going to disappear.
After an explosively sexual post-breakup evening on Wednesday, she set things up so we knew how to ask each other for Time Together when we are both single. I don’t think I’ll be following up on that, either. I had enough difficulty reconciling the time we spent with knowing that she’d already set up a date. It turned out to be a necessary evening for our sense of closure.
My mental health and long-term happiness is far more important than something as ordinary as sex.
I feel bad about locking this entry. I don’t do that, I write public entries because I don’t keep anything private – privacy is a locked door that leads to embarassment, shame, and the abuse of power. It’s not that I don’t want her to know these things – I’m sure we’ll talk about these things, more or less, when she returns. I just know that I’m not ready to hear about her flirtations and dating of other people, and I respect her enough not to discuss mine where I know she will see it. It’s just polite.
(Note: enough time has gone by that I think it’s alright to make this public.)
Can’t say I blame you. Preserving your own mental health is paramount. Not so easy to do when the information is right at hand like LJ is but I know you can do it. Me I’m not so sure I could. But I have all the faith in the world of you.
Well, I’m terrible about my ex girlfriend one back. It’s just so FUNNY reading her journal, because she whines about how it’s “beyond conception” as to how she can date all these flaky fools, and I just die to write back, “YOUR conception, maybe!”
I do not, because I’m not quite so cruel as to mock her in her own journal, but… it’s definitely entertainment in a christian-to-the-lions sort of way.
Oh, and thank you for the faith. *big warm hug*
It took me more then a year to be around A&A. It took me longer then that to not be upset they were happy. I tend to think of him now as some random person instead of someone I spent 2 1/2 yrs dating and living with.
who is “he” anyway?
Well, you asked, so I’ll say it..
Sorry I realized after I wrote it, that it wasn’t a very polite thing to ask of YOU.
Y’know, I don’t much believe in TMI, and anything I’m not comfortable thinking about or dealing with is a door I feel I need to open, if that makes sense. I’m not comfortable with being uncomfortable. *grin*
oh. *choke* call me this week- i’m home tomorrow and the day after. I love you. You’re lucky i’m married.
Oh you cheeky, cheeky monkey. *grin* Love you too, and I’ll do so. Scream if I forget ;)
you have to. because i miss you. *hugs*
I can talk today, too, but I’m guessing you’re at work. *s*
i will be home after 6:30- if you’re available. Can I just say I KNOW HIM AND HE IS SO BRAINLESS AND BORING! and leave it at that without it starting any drama? He tried to pick me up literally and figuratively in both lansing and at Kent U when I was there with Jake. Yukky.
This is a somewhat locked post, though only to a few people, so drama is unlikely. Nonetheless, I find that gratifying and pleasurable in an evil kind of way. *s*
I think you are totally on the right track. I *SOOOOOO* understand this – like crazy understand where you are at right now. It isn’t easy but at the same time- it’s like you can see better conditions over the wall if you jump high enough for a peek, but the other person realizes their actions mean you leaving and suddenly they are grabbing your ankles trying to pull you back down so you can’t even see what is out there. It would be one thing if they knew what they wanted absolutely and were willing to stick with that – but they aren’t – and as soon as you stop looking over the wall, they feel safe again and start looking at others, feeling safe because you are waiting behind them *just in case.*
It sucks hardcore to sit there for any length of time – trust me – and if you have to do it to find closure, then you have to do it. But it sounds like you’ve already reached closure and that’s excellent. ^_^
*hugs*
It’s a word that makes me wince, “closure”. I used it, to be sure, but y’know, if we’re good enough at understanding ourselves and controlling ourselves, we make our own closure.
why does closure make you wince? (the word ‘wince’, by the way, kind of makes me wince, heh)
I associate it with a skewed sense of “fairness”, as if every situation -must- be fully closed in a neat little package. I also associate it with people sleeping with their ex’s. :)
interesting stuff. and fo shizzle, not how i view the word. perspectives and all that.
i like the idea that things *can* occasionally be wrapped up neatly. it’s terriffically common for that not to be the case, literary constructs notwithstanding.
more often than not, people sleeping with their exes means the *opposite* of closure, because it opens up a big ol’ can of viscious cycle. though that’s a relatively limited perspective, as that’s really just what i’ve seen while hanging around gothtastic dance clubs, heh.
I agree that your mental health is of prime importance and you don’t want to have any relationship with her other than friendship since that will just prolong things.
*Hugs*
heh. see, there really *are* good reasons to have locked entries. ;)
seriously, though, glad to hear that things are cool, and that your drama zones will mellow out as a result. *hugs*
*big warm hugs* i’m here for you if you need to talk. i have absolutely no plans for thursday–let me know if you want to get together. i miss you.
Let’s do it. :) I work the typical hours, so any time, so I’ll be heading home from detroit around 5. Do you want to see my apartment, or would you like me to visit you? We could go to Pinball Pete’s in AA or something. :)