I first found my courage
Most of the time, I don’t particularly miss having a dad, except perhaps for the general lack of attention and time I got as a kid. Sometimes, though, when I hear about the sort of connections other people have with their fathers, I do.
Perhaps that was a part of why I felt so isolated as I went into puberty. In my little world, I was the only guy for miles, and I didn’t really have anyone in my family who understood. Heck, I didn’t even have anyone outside of my family, until I met Jeff. Still, he was more of an older brother than a father; but he gave me my first “real” job, and helped me get my first car, and insisted I use my first income check to open a savings account, which he helped set up.
Ultimately, it may have produced a more ‘independent’ me than otherwise; my entire family consists of survivors who’ve done everything to succeed without assistance. I learned to lean, when necessary, through those older folk I met through BBS life. They filled a lot of holes for me, actually, and if I am anything remotely resembling a complete individual, I have each of them to thank.
When I’m asked if I want children, I almost always reply that it depends on my partner’s interest. Few people probe further than that, but if the circumstances were right, I would sorely like to be the reason a child knows what a really great father can be like. I don’t dwell on it, but it peeks out and waves its hand when I hear songs like this; it’s better to yearn to provide that trusting connection than to waste time in resentment. Better, to find pleasure in having learned these things on my own.
yours against mine
til the warmth comes through
remember the breakwaters
down by the waves
I first found my courage
knowing daddy could save
I could hold back the tide
with my dad by my side”
I know how you feel. While I have a father, he wasn’t around much during my “formative” years. I lived with my mom during middle/high school, and I got to see my dad during long weekends and holidays. Except he’s a minister, so he worked weekends and holidays, so that didn’t mean much.
I often wonder if I’m as emotional as I am because I was raised pretty much entirely by my mom. She married again after she and my dad divorced, but I didn’t care much for my step-father, and he never really fufilled that older-male role.
To this day, I haven’t really ever had anyone to teach me about being a “man”. I don’t know much about cars, or guns, or football, or any of that “guy” stuff.
I’m starting to have a relationship with my dad, but it’s too late for a lot of that stuff. But you’re right, I think lack of a male role model does produce a more independant person. I know I’m probably one of the most independant people I know for my age, and I think it’s for a lot of the same reasons you state.
Anyway, this is a little longer than I meant it to be, but the purpose was to say that there are more than a few of us who never had father figures growing up. And it definately makes for an interesting life.
I don’t miss the macho, that’s for sure. When people throw their posturing at me, I see right through it, and I wonder if that would have been true if I had been taught to do just that sort of thing. There are many ways that it has been a blessing for me – my actual father was better left behind, from all accounts.
If I had to choose between a bad father and no father, I obviously had the best option. But even when we have it good, sometimes we think about what could have made it better.
Thankfully, I missed out on the macho, too. I was perfectly set up for it, being raised by a man who knew WAY too much about automobiles and was a regular auto racer.
My father told me once that he had never been in a fight. The closest he came was when one guy really wanted to fight, and my father had had enough. “Fine. You and I will go behind the school and beat each other until only one of us can move. That person will leave. But it’s just you and I. The rest of these people [gestures at crowd gathered] can’t come. It’s not about them. You and me.” The person didn’t want to fight anymore. He only told me the story once, but I’ve never forgotten it.
I think you’d make a great dad.
Thanks, karinny. *smiles warmly*
*cuddles up and nuzzles your ear*
*eep!* tickly beard in the ears!
My dad taught me about cars and tools and woodworking when I was little, I was my dad’s tom boy since my older brothers went into the service, but as soon as I was a teenager I had other interests and my father and I didn’t get along very well, we still don’t get along and I am now married. My dad never really told me he loved me. I can only remember 2 times he did, when I was in a very bad car accident and when I got married (he actually cried) I was adopted and I don’t know my birth father I do know my birth mother. I was raised in an abusive home and I am glad that I found someone who isn’t like my father.
Totally. Better none at all than an asshole dad. *hugs*
*hugs* you KNOW you were better off with no dad than your biological one…plus..i would give up the ‘bonding’ time i had with him..it wasn’t anything special to me..all the bad crap ive seen out weighs the “good times”…but it is nice to wonder ‘what if’ sometimes…but our father could possibly be the scum of the earth haha..i think seeing what a bad father is really helped you to realize what you really want to become and what you want in life..i think you’d make a great father someday..i love you! :)
Thanks, Rachael. *warm hugs* At least something good came of him, right? Us. :) I love you, too.
You certainly could have fallen in with a worse crowd back then. The BBS folks may not have been the best in the world, but we were certainly glad you were part of it. You helped make it a great time in my life, too.
We take care of our own, as I see it. *hugs* You’re still making great times for me. :D
I’ve been amazed by nearly everything I’ve ever seen you attempt.
I can’t imagine that watching you raise a child would be any less inspiring.
*blushing kotc*
I know you would make a good dad someday and I only have met you once!
*hugs you tightly and wonders if our conversation helped prompt this*
I’ve been very lucky… my dad is an awesome human and amazing father. It’s hard to even imagine not having him as part of my support system and/or not in my life. And while I’m by no means someone to suggest the ‘traditional’ family schema is to be favored, it was rather remarkable to have loving parents/family around. Having said that, it’s the LOVING part that matters, I can’t imagine why people have children that they don’t want much less don’t love. It boggles my brain.
*hugs back* Oh, it’s possible it contributed, but really it was the holiday coupled with the song I was listening to.
Awww. *e-hugs*
One of the strongest emotions I personally feel is being proud of you. You’ll always be my brother and friend.
-JfZ