hand-holding
Holding hands is a mobile mini-hug and does not necessarily indicate what relationship you have with someone, except that A) you like them and B) you don’t mind touching them.
There are varying kinds of hand-holding (just like there are various hugs), and some are more acceptable than others in various contexts. Still, it’s a gentle and guileless sign of affection, and shouldn’t be sullied.
What do you think? Do you hold hands with people that you aren’t (and wouldn’t consider) dating? Tell me how this relates to whether you hug people, and how close you get to people when you hug them (shoulders or body-to-body)
I think hand-holding can have several contexts. Walking down the street holding hands conotates dating in today’s society, imo. Grabbing someone’s hand as they are talking to you about a difficult topic and tears begin to well up in their eyes is quite different. I would consider the second with anyone (although if it’s another guy, I would tend to grab their shoulder or arm rather than hand). Walking down the street, I would not consider with anyone except a girlfriend.
Related to hugs: not at all for me. I am a pretty huggy guy, even with other males. For me, hand holding is a completely different level.
What about, say, at a restaurant, you’re facing someone, and your hands and theirs are on the table?
If someone touched my hand in that situation, I’d think they were interested in touching other parts too.
Even your female friends?
It’d still be kinda weird, yeah. Not AS weird as with a guy friend, I suppose, but still a weirdness factor.
Unless we were both drunk, then whatever!
It wouldn’t even occur to me, unless it was someone I was attracted to and trying to make some overt move on.
me either.
That’s so interesting to me. A friend of mine, who is married to another good friend of mine, and I do it all the time. Also, it seems to me that girlfriends seem to do it with each other fairly frequently, without intent.
Is that what Ikkarus meant? That it wouldn’t occur to bother him? or think about it?
That’s what I meant, that it seems normal, and I touch all the times.
No, actually what I meant was that it would never occur to me to hold someone’s hand unless I was openly hitting on her.
Me, too! I have a friend (another married woman) that grabs my hand all the time while we are walking down the street. I guess the first time it felt a little weird, but now it doesn’t at all. And I wouldn’t have a p[roblem with anyone else either – unless they were obviously uncomfortable with it. It is a way of establishing connection, to me. Sometimes these things are done more effectively by touch.
Indeed, as I see it. Really, if there was a question of intent, I probably wouldn’t do it. Unless I thought the other person and I were enjoying playing with that line. :)
Same deal as walking down the street.
If it were a close friend and I was offering comfort, and we were close enough where it was obvious that no romantic advances were being offered, then I would probably do it. Otherwise I feel like I’m making a move.
Then again, I might pick up both of their hands with both of mine to emphasize a point. But it wouldn’t be a lingered hand-on-top-of-hand interaction, it’d be a I’m-grabbing-your-hands-to-emphasize-a-point-and-letting-go-shortly-thereafter type of interaction.
It all depends on the relationship. Most times, that situation would imply a more-than-friends relationship. But as you know, there are rare friendships where gestures like that are just friendly affection.
I will hold hands only in those treasured friendships which are not in danger of misinterpretation of such affection…with the friends I feel safest with.
On the other hand, I will hug just about anyone. And I don’t believe in the shoulder-hug. I love wrapping people up in my arms, or being wrapped up in theirs. I read somewhere that to maintain emotional health, every person should receive at least eight hugs per day. I figure if I’m going to help someone reach their DHQ (Daily Hug Quotient), I’m going to make it count!
Wow, 8? Few people reach such heights, I am certain. Clearly, I’m lacking. I wonder if I can make up for previous lack of hugs with a good long cuddle!
I agree that, more or les, those people I hold hands with are generally pretty clear about my intent. Or at least, have never expressed confusion to me, which is not the same. :)
I don’t hold hands with people unless I’m dating them, or want to date them. It’s far too personal a thing to do with just anyone off the street, or even just friends, for me.
Holding hands seems more intimate than a hug to me… I’m very big on personal space, but I’ll hug people if I like them. But holding hands is reserved for boyfriends, and as someone up there mentioned, if someone is very upset, as reassurance – but that’s not so much a holding as just contact.
Maybe it’s all socially constructed, but hands are separate intimate things. Kinda like lips.
If somebody touched my hand outside of extreme-upset context and was not my boyfriend, I’d spaz.
Generally, I find that people telegraph their “bubble” if you will quite clearly, as long as you’re paying attention.
Can you teach some seminars on this bubble-detection? Because I commonly find mine invaded.
Actually, we did have a “flirting for geeks” panel at PenguiCon which I was asked to join by my friend Chuck, clearly so I could join in on the advice-giving.
And there were a few people there who definitely needed the advice. We were painstakingly detailed about what signs say “all is well!” and what indicate that The Bubble Is Being Breached.
I hold hands freely with anyone I genuinely like.
Male, female, adult, child, friend, lover, relative. I adore touching the people I love, provided they are comfortable with it.
If you find your hand in mine, it’s a sure sign I like connecting with you on some level. It’s going to take a lot more elements to determine just what that level is, however.
I think it can depend on how you hold hands. I think fingers together, like as when the hands are in big mittens, can be friendly and open, but not indicate a relationship, or a desire to pursue one. But if fingers interlace, that says to me that there’s a romantic and/or sexual relationship.
Now, I generally don’t have many male friends who hold hands with anyone besides their partners. Female friends, it’s not an issue, and I’m all for it. I think I tend to do a lot more arm in arm, though, while walking along.
*nod* I also do the arm and arm thing, and more frequently than hand-holding. I would say my friendships generally have gone on for a few years, often times, or through hardness of some sort, before hand-holding occurs on such a casual basis.
I would also agree that between the two, holding hands like mittens is less intimate than interlaced, though I would not consider it a hard and fast rule as to what kind of intimacy was implied.
I agree that it’s not hard and fast. But if someone I don’t know as well took my hand in that manner, I would take that as a sign of intent.
i, too prefer arm-in-arm. i suppose i don’t really enjoy holding hands in any context, unless it’s to guide a child.
alas, children are too short to walk arm-in-arm with.
I wonder how you go from arm-in-arm to the next step with a potential partner?
gnerally i find that being arm-in-arm with a boyfriend would involve a lot more snuggly body contact: head on shoulder, other arm linked as well, using said arm to pull closer for a kiss.
it’s not to say that i won’t hold hands. if the guy switched it up, i’d go with it. i’d just not be the instigator.
I agree that the whole fingers interlaced definitely is more intimate. More contact, etc. I have in the past held hands like that with friends who I was not sexually or romantically involved with but, there was a certain level of intimacy.
I hold hands, fingers closed, with many of my friends, and their children. That’s how my parents and most of my girlfriends held hands when we were kids. Hell, I even used to hold my brothers hand that way.
Like Scott, I generally only hold hands with people I feel pretty close to. The few people who I would really call my friends, not a mere aquaintance – however, there are exceptions to that as well.
I’m a big arm-in-arm kind of girl, for more then health reasons, and occasionally that can lead to casual hand holding. But I wouldn’t consider that odd or uncomfortable.
To be noted: I am a touchy person. Recently, upon meeting an online friend in person for the first time, I was at the casual touch level within the hour, us lazily sitting with their hand on my shoulder, and mine on their knee. I didn’t even realize it might seem odd until I looked back on it later.
If I feel close to someone, I touch them – be it a hand on their arm or leg, brushing hair from their face, straightening their hair, linking my arm through theirs, climbing on their, or cuddling in for a few minutes – or even holding their hands.
Assuming they’re comfortable with that too, of course.
Im a big arm in arm guy. I offer my arm to all of my female friends. aparently they think its cute. But I will offer my arm to those who i really would not think of going hand in hand.
i agree, for me the interlaced fingers hand-holding is reserved for a more than friends relationshipy thing :)
i do the arm and arm thing more often than holding hands with friends though.
Since I didn’t mention it already.
Hugs: I’m a full body, pick-me-up-and-spin-me-about kind of hugger. I will hug looser if it HOT, I don’t know a person well, I or they are in pain, etc.
i hadn’t really thought about it before reading this post and the comments above mine. in general, hand holding seems intimate to me, but there are various levels to that. i find that as i’m getting introduced to someone, i’ll shake their hand and if we’re chatting, i don’t let go right away. sometimes my free hand will cover our held hands, too. sometimes, if it’s uncomfortable, the shake happens and hands immediately drop. it varies by the person, but is on a totally different level than, say, my holding hands with Ben, where our fingers are often interlaced and we’ll push/pull each other around, or just walk with our hands together, often swinging them back and forth.
i used to be a shoulder hugger, and with some folks, i still am. as i get more comfortable with my body, and with other people, i find that i really enjoy body-to-body hugs. it’s intimate but it doesn’t necessarily have to mean “i want to bone you,” too.
See for me, if I’m going to hug someone, if I’m going to put my body next to theirs, I am going to give a full hug. There are very few people that I will give a shoulder-hug to, and those are peculiar folk who I feel are close enough to warrant a hug and would want one, but are generally physically averse people. I’m okay with that.
Guys get full hugs, one arm over, one arm under. 80% of the time I don’t offer unless they do first, unless I know it’s cool – some guys are really reluctant to hug, and again I don’t like stepping on toes.
Except Ben. *grin* For the first few years I used to hug him even though I knew he was a bit uncomfortable with guys, but it was because I loved to shake him up a little, and I knew there were other folk that he was friends with who were worse. Heh. We stopped, though, and I’m fine with that, a handshake will do these days.
and then, of course, there are the hugs where you end up DROPPING PEOPLE ON THE FLOOR!$@#$@!#
*grin*
I’ve never heard of such things.
… what? :D
I HATE the shoulder hug! What IS that?? If you don’t want to hug, don’t hug! But let’s not “pretend” hug, please.
Again, and I mentioned it before, but I will mention it again – hugs, hand-holding and various other more-intimate-than-a-handshake ways of touching are extremely important forms of communication. So much can be “said” by touch that would just take volumes with words – and sometimes I do not even think it is possible.
For instance, years ago when my father died, I saw my mother-in-law a couple of days later (who is NOT a very huggy/physical person) and she took my face between her hands and just looked at me. It said all that needed to be said, because there are no words for that kind of grief, and she of course knew that. But there is touch, which is healing and loving. There was no awkwardness, no fumbling for the right thing to say. There was an exchange of energy, and that is all it took. It is still one of my most memorable touch experiences.
I really only hold hands with my wife.
Before I got married, I only held hands with those that I was romantically interested in, or those women that would grab my hand before I had a chance to avoid the situation.
Yes, your physical boundaries are ironclad. :) And, admittedly, we as a group flaunt them all the time. *sheepish grin*
I am very physically affectionate. I will hug anyone I’m comfortable with, and handholding is essentially the same.
When I hug, it’s a full-body experience and it lingers. :)
I link arms with many of my close friends… very rarely do I hold hands with them. Although I do hold hands with my father/mother sometimes when we’re out.
I’ve often seen Asian girls do this though, in non-sexual/relationship ways, so it is quite common.
Hand-holding is far more intimate than hugging, or even kissing. I only do it with people I feel very comfortable with. For me, it goes back to high school, when I was the odd one without a boyfriend, and I’d see all these people walking around school, holding hands. It was like one thing they could do with one another and get away with it, so if someone was your “boyfriend” you held their hands and walked around with them. Anyway, I hated that. I thought it was just too open-aired and splashed around, and hand-holders all thought they had some special right to walk slowly, crowd up the hallways, and give you terribly dirty looks if they had to release their hold on their significant other in order to let you by.
Anyway, because of that, I am anti-hand holding. Unless I *really* like the person, and I want to show it.
Having said that, I lock arms with my close friends all the time, and I hug people in public constantly.
Hugging is for everyone, and the hugs are different based on what I think of who I’m hugging. If its my best friend (Noelle, the most wonderful person in the world), she and I do this enormous hug that makes our entire bodies melt into one another and we look like this big giant mass of whitey-love. However, if its my parents, its a nice hearty quick hug that usually ends with a kiss on the cheek. If it’s my significant other, its usually just a nice hug…shoulders, maybe body, but not quite the hug that’s elicited from a Noelle-Julie love-fest.
My hugs with Cheryl are these awesome affairs where we put our accoutrements aside and get some distance. Then she makes a running leap for me, I spin her about, and she goes EEEEEEEE!
Now that is a *tacklehug*
I appreciate your gentleness with me in comparison.
:) I’m flexible
Also, you just said you like that sort of thing in a previous comment. :)
Noelle and I do sort of the same thing, except since neither of us can lift the other, we just both scream “hapt!” (hapt=love, wrap your arms around me and show your looove…i dunno. it’s a word that evolved between us. kind of like the ‘aloha’.)
“hapt”=i love you, enormous outpouring of love, I need you, etc.
“haaaappppttt”=crushing body hugs
Whats wild is that we don’t live even remotely near one another anymore, and rarely speak due to insane schedules. But when we talk, one can say “hapt” and the other will just know what context its meant in. its just the connection of real, detailed, I know your soul inside and out, love
That is the best description of a tacklehug I’ve ever seen.
And they are awesome affairs:-)
P.S. I especially enjoyed your use of the word “accoutrements”;-)
I expect, the next time you have to drop them, to hear you say it with a snooty french accent. :D
I will not let you down, then;-)
I’ve found with both handholding and hugging, I’ll adapt my technique to the body signals of the person I’m touching.
It’s a little more rare for me to participate in hand-holding, simply because it seems an activity that fewer of my friends enjoy or desire. I certainly don’t need to be dating someone to hold their hand, fingers interlaced or not. I probably wouldn ‘t hold the hand of someone I disliked or didn’t trust, but other than that no worries.
As far as hugging, it’s certainly my preferred method of greeting and parting. Type “1” hugs are far superior to type “A” hugs (Sturgeon reference). However, I do have a few acquaintances who seem less comfortable with physical closeness and I will do an “A” or “shoulder hug” with those people out of respect for their comfort boundary levels. For everyone else, the more body touching in a hug the better, and airborne tackle hugs are bonus!
I refer to “I” and “A” hugs, actually.
Clearly, I go for “I”.
Not sure how I missed this yesterday, but I did. I would have to agree that there are different types of hand holding just the same as hugs. I have held hands with friends in anticpation of something, seeing a favorite band and waiting for them to come out springs to mind first. I’ve held hands with friends during times of sadness and grief just to let them know they weren’t alone and because they needed something to hold on to.
So, yeah. I have and would hold hands with someone besides my husband and still do hold hands with my husband.
Thanks for adding your comments :)
I’ve held hands with people I wasn’t dating, but only pretty recently and never had a second thought about it so not much of an opinion there.
Hugging I do have an opinion on though. I have huge issues with people who ‘take’ hugs instead of ‘give’ hugs. I try very very hard never to take hugs, (I realize sometimes there’s just no other way and it’s appropriate.)
I enjoy giving hugs more anyway.
Can you tell me what the difference is? I have my own ideas of what are giving and taking hugs, but I’d like to know your perspective.
My dad used to “take” hugs. “Hi honey, (arms barely bent) pat. pat. pat.” They left me feeling cold like I wasn’t worth the littlest big of energy it took for our bodies to connect and feel the warm safety of his embrace. It was like he was embarrassed to hug his own daughter.
My mom never gives or takes hugs, kind of weird now that I think about it.
When people take hugs, you feel robbed.
Wow. Yes, that sounds terrible. Proferring hugs but not really meaning it or wanting it, is what it sounds like. A hug is a gift of comfort.
I can dig it.
For many years of my life, holding hands was something much more intimate than sex. I’d have sex with someone, but I wouldn’t walk hand-in-hand with them. Oh, I’d link arms, maybe walk with an arm over their shoulder, but I wouldn’t walk hand-in-hand. That was too personal.
I walk hand-in-hand with Karen. I like it.