Cherishing another’s right to reality
“If you aren’t telling someone the truth, you’re not allowing them to make decisions based on reality. That is, in my opinion, the worst thing you can do to someone.”
My friend mink made this comment in another journal today, so I wanted to put it here for reference. It’s something I try to consider all of the time. It can be exhausting and really painful sometimes – many times, being straightforward isn’t appreciated for the compassion behind it – it’s so easy to hear words that reveal unhappy facts and presume callousness or inconsideration.
Which is a great word, I might have just made it up.
It kind of reminds me of the halfway-amusing irony of the perceived weakness in intentionally opening oneself up to the potential slings and arrows of outrageous heartbreak (sorry, sometimes words get away from me). When one takes a deep breath and steps off the cliff– knowing, accepting, grokking the entire range of consequences (not simply faith in the best outcome), that’s bravery and strength.
It’s a well-considered risk.
I’m sure someone will consider this a self-righteous post, but I didn’t say I am always successful at this. I’m not trying to reach down and pull people up to my level or something stupid like that.
I simply and earnestly believe that this is one of the most important things I’ve ever learned in my entire life, and it would be wrong of me not to share it with those I respect most.
It’s my view of reality, and it’s just as likely to be true as anyone else’s in the grand scheme of things, but I’m not looking to convert.
Like my favorite conversations with my grandmother, I’m presenting my viewpoint as the best thing I’ve seen so far, not dogma.
….one of the suckiest things in life,
Wondering if if someone you love will ever forgive you for doing nothing more than giving an honest opinion or sharing a cold truth….
amen
There’s plenty of cold truth available out there. From friends and loved ones, I want compassionate lies. Believable ones.
I’m pretty terrible at lying, these days. I was a champ when I was a kid, but apparently I’m really, really bad now. Which has its own set of problems.
You’re just not getting enough practice. You can get the rhythm back by commenting on people’s journals. When you think you have the content memorized, try it out loud on friends and loved ones. Soon, even you’ll believe what you’re saying.
If you really need it, I can give it to you, apparently I’m so good at it these days that even *I* believe it.
Yes, that it is what I seek. Tell me sweet little lies.
I can’t, now I have bloody Fleetwood Mac stucking in my effing head.
Then, my work here is done.
You sir, are pure evil…..
Oh, I’m not all that pure, but I appreciate the vote of confidence.
That was me lying to you…
I was thinking very deeply about self-honesty last night, which I’m thinking is the first step in this process. Good thoughts. Deep thoughts. No time to share them here thoughts. :smile:
Depends a lot on the relative nature of truth, I think. And phrasing. there’s a big difference between “it’s raining outside,” “you’ll go bankrupt if you do that,” and “i think you’ll go bankrupt because of that.” A lot of times, in the heat of the moment, what we intend to say as opinion gets stated as fact, as truth, or gets misinterpreted as such- and it’s impossible to know 100% who messed up in that informational transaction unless you have a recording. Stating transient things (i.e., “Joe Blow is furious at you!”) as enduring truth/fact (the above statement gets read, by many, as “Joe Blow HATES you!”) is particularly tricky.
People, many times, will hear what they want to hear (“interesting outfit” = FABULOUS OUTFIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Other times, they will assume the worst (“interesting outfit” = I hate your sense of style! And you! And your little dog, too!). I vote for focusing less on “truth,” and more on saying what you mean. Do you mean to be supportive? Say something supportive. Do you mean to rip the rug from underneath them? Then do so. But don’t try to cloak what you say in a fake “objective truth” that is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to know, much less relate.
I was not necessarily referring to “objective truth”. I happen to be a fan of the idea of relational truth for similar reasons. However, how I feel for instance, is (in most cases) something only I can define – someone can explain how they think I feel based on what I portray and what they know of me, but only I know (if even I do) whether I was truly feeling that way or feeling something completely different.
Further, the issue of “interesting outfit” comes up – my intented meaning may be quite different from the meaning someone else picks up from that.
If you look at the quote above, it really sounds pretty rude if you’re referring to some ‘objective truth’ about the state of the world in general, for instance. It only seems reasonably applicable (as I see it) when you preclude that statement with the understanding that you are referring to something that you know, that someone else would also want to know in order to make a decision based on facts. “I don’t love you anymore”, for instance, allows someone to make their life decisions with that knowledge, rather than presuming otherwise. In such circumstances, true opinion IS fact (whether the reasoning is faulty or not).
Stating what you mean is about communicating properly. Being forthright (which is essentially what we are speaking about here) is not only about communicating properly, but about what a person believes other people deserve.
I do agree with that quote… but I also seem to get confused about how much information/thoughts/things from your subconsciouness you should share with people.
As one of the recently/currently outrageously heartbroken, I know this stabbing pain is a potential outcome, but it certainly isn’t the think I was thinking of when love first started.