It’s time to clean off the ol’ hard drive!
I’m clearing out my desktop hard drive (now that it’s successfully connected to the laptop), and I’m finding some amazing things in here.
Before I get into it, I’d like to point out the best part.
I kept a file I called AIMNOTES for a few years, and in it I put some of the conversations I had with people that made me feel special. Many people make appearances there (girlfriends yes, but many of the others still knock on my door).
It still affects me to see those genuinely felt words, and even better than that: it reminds me that even those relationships that ended poorly were, in their time, incredibly great things for me.
Whether they’re my dear friend now or are jumping on the hate-wagon (like that? you can use it!), they all said some things to me that were amazingly insightful and soul-filling.
Now, on to the other things I found!
I have the sex survey I filled out on December 1st, 2004. I never posted it, or if I did it was in someone else’s journal. It’s really an amazing insight into my personality, my interest in sex and sexuality, and my needs as a sexual being.
I found my “attitudes” file from 2002 – it looks like that meme where you write something to everyone on your friend’s list, and then remove their names. Yeah, that was possible in 2002 – today, it’d take me a week. Also… I don’t know if the fun/merit outweigh the weird feeling of making statements about your friends that they can’t verify. It reminds me of writing generic posts with pointed references. On the one hand, it’s an opportunity to get out some things that are not tactful and not asked for, as well as the chance to give compliments where they’re due; on the other, it’s, well, sort of anonymous. I’d like to see someone out there do this meme, do it up right, but leave the names on. You know, “Billybob: You’ve always had a sense of petulance about you, but I’ve a great affection for you nonetheless. You’re like family really, and so I put up with things I wouldn’t otherwise. I think you’ve come to enjoy fooling yourself, and I wonder when you’ll come out of that shell. Joanne: I don’t know you. You shouldn’t be on my list, but I’ve no reason to take you off. It’s not important.”
I found the text chat a long-ago ex wrote to her ‘john’. No, I didn’t read it. It’s one of those things I don’t have to read, but I don’t ever want to delete. Otherwise rational-seeming, intelligent people are sometimes make psychotic, idiotic decisions. We have to choose whether to say, “You are my family – I am not giving up on you, even if you hurt me” or, “You will continue to hurt me. For my survival, I must let you go.” That decision is never easy, or simple, or made without some second thought. I find a second text file, slightly more recent but still years old, where I’d copied a different deceit that’d been sent to me by someone interested in justice. Again, not easy – it was truth, and that woman dearly wanted to know who betrayed her lies to me. Again, I chose to forgive her, though our relationship was never the same.
A letter I wrote to Tomato Nation, back in the D-A-Y. At the time I figured, what the hell? Her advice was, as one would expect, sensible but imprecise.
I found a sort of love-letter from a very old friend I let stay at my place while she was mentally getting back on her feet after a very rough situation.
I found all the letters I wrote to Ani while she was up the river.
AIM logs from so far back, it’s nearly incomprehensible.
Ancient resumes. I remember when I split up my resume because I have too many specialties to look less than messy in one single place.
A shopping list for a christmas long ago. X’s on half the names – clearly I stopped keeping track halfway through the season.
The break-up IMs from a girl I lived with. I was very, very angry because I was trying to be her friend as well as lover, but she couldn’t talk to me. It’s interesting, rereading it. I was so upset that she was lying to me about everything being alright, I didn’t see her say things like “I am mentally ill.” When she said “I don’t want to lose your friendship – EVER”, I ended with “I have class.” I had a lot to be angry over, at the time. Now, I just feel a bit sad for us both, as far as that goes. If she hadn’t been so afraid of everything, everything, everything, she would have been such a great friend. With a personality so hidden, though, my own had grown to fill. In retrospect, I can see why Ben thought I was kind of an ass (in general, not to her) when she was around.
ALL of my papers, tape logs, and scholarship essays from Madonna U. Or at least, those I did on my desktop ;). There’s even a text file called “denverplans” which outline my trip to check out Denver University.
The intro and Chapter 1 to childe‘s book.
The hilarious story of how I (tearfully) beat the crap out of a teen on a moped with a bag of doughnuts when I was 9.
The text file I made so I’d never forget who I’ve dated – that way if I ever say “who was that girl?” … well, I have a refresher. :D
Savegames for ILoveBees – The Text Adventure!
And the text file for my Year In Review, 2003!
Sounds like an interesting trip through memory lane