okay okay, I’m on twitter now, with the same ID as always.
Unrelatedly, I see there are a ton of people stressing out about things right now. My deepest sympathies, it always seems like all the shitty things happen at once, doesn’t it?
Sometimes, when I’m in a decidedly unhappy state (especially when it’s induced by others), I have to stop myself, mentally, and say, “Is this how I want to feel? Does feeling this way help me understand better, or make my day a better one, or otherwise feel owned by me, rather than imposed from without?”
The point, I guess, is that my shitty feelings aren’t imposed from without, they’re my response to the shitty things that happen, and as such, are within my control. By letting other people push my emotions around, I am ceding control over my own life, and that sucks to a fair high degree.
I can’t say that my perspective will necessarily help, especially since sometimes we feel so justified in our shitty feelings that we can’t care about whether we’re doing damage to ourselves or wasting our life away by miring ourselves in our anguish. But when I need a kick in the pants, someone will generally bring up that idea, and I’ll find it a little easier to move on.
*warm hugs to all*
*hugs* Thanks. You remind me of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, in which there is an ABC model:
A is the activating event – what happened? The cause.
B is our belief about the event.
C is the consequence of A + B
Most of our problems like in the B part of the model – our beliefs. Are they rational or irrational? Are they indoctrinated or have we consciously shaped them? The idea is that the more rationally we shape our beliefs, the better handle we will get over C – the consequences.
I think that the quote I posted earlier today from Walter Anderson, which in part says “Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.” really encapsulates this idea – we ultimately choose our own set of consequences by what we choose to believe about the event and what our response to it should be.
One of the biggest things I’ve had to overcome over the years is codependent thinking – that someone else is responsible for my feelings, when in reality, I am the one in control of that. It’s much easier to lay blame on someone else, but that doesn’t solve anything and only makes me more miserable because now I’ve given power to someone else over my feelings. Granted, there are always going to be our initial reactions to things, but if we start spinning out of control with those, we always have the option to correct our course and avoid the tailspin and eventual crash.
You’ve played a huge role in helping me to understand all of this and apply it in a very real way in my life. Thank you. :)
*hugs* Thanks for helping me right along, as well. :)
“The happiness of those who want to be popular depends on others; the happiness of those who seek pleasure fluctuates with moods outside their control; but the happiness of the wise grows out of their own free acts.” – Marcus Aurelius
Oh yes, I remember this one! I read it and then I think got distracted by a coughing fit. *grin*. Thanks for reminding me!
*note the use of “you” is the general “you” throughout)
I think this is a really great method for checking in with yourself and reining you in from an out-of-control negative thought-emotion loop. And yes,I’d also agree that it helps to have the sort of friends willing to help you with this sort of check-in, when it looks like you’re too far gone in irrationality to notice yourself.
I will say for me that the fastest way to get rid of shitty feelings at times is to allow myself a good wallow – but with a metaphorical time-limit. Really delve in and feel BAD, just as badbadbad as you want to feel…but recognize that it’s you WANTING to feel bad, CHOOSING to feel bad. Cover yourself in YOUR bad feelings that YOU made for yourself. Once you really take the ownership on and realize that they are YOUR bad feelings, YOUR reactions to shitty events or people, and not them MAKING you feel a certain way, then you take back all that self-power you’ve been giving away.
And at some point in there you usually learn to laugh at yourself, and just how silly these human monkeys can be, and hopefully take that part of things a little less seriously. and you also figure out that if they are YOUR bad feelings, than YOU can control them, or at least control the behaviors that spawn from the emotion storm. And then you figure out that hey, if you can control and change THOSE reactions, maybe you can do that with the good feelings too.
You’re a great one for these sorts of timely reminders, dear skennedy. *hugs*
:) *big hugs*