Compliments
A friend of mine made a post recently about wanting to compliment a woman on a train on her eyes, and feeling so awkward about the possibility she might get the wrong idea that he ended up not doing it at all. He considered saying it just as they were parting ways, hoping that would prevent any discomfort. I’m interested in what my own f-list thinks about my comment, so I thought I’d reproduce it here:
I say you’re right on the money that -as- you are parting ways, when it is clear you are not attempting to ‘start up a relationship’, it’s a great time to tap and beam and say, “hey, I noticed you have really pretty eyes, and I thought you’d like to hear it!”
It is likely, especially if they’re of the personality you described, they’ll thank you, and when you wave and go on your way, -then- it will strike them that you did it for no reason other than to make them feel good, and it will… accomplish just that.
I mean, of course, there’s no telling if it really will, but that’s the best way as I see it.
I would totally do it, if I thought I could find a way to do so that didn’t seem like I was trying to “start something”
Believe it or not, I run into that problem often, and it’s often with friends. I have many female friends, and sometimes I worry that between my general friendly flirtatiousness and any compliments I might give out that they might think that I’m trying something, and that might make them uncomfortable.
So, with friends, I sometimes tone down the compliment I really want to give, or a make sure to talk about my girlfriend either before or afterward, to make clear my intentions (for their comfort). To that extent, I sometimes feel like my relationships with my female friends are closer when I’m happily dating a significant other than when I am not, because I feel more at liberty to … be myself.
I think that, for people to feel more secure in being complimented, a complimenter has to remember A) that compliments should come with zero expectations, including any sort of acknowledgement and B) that if it seems awfully important to you, they will sense additional motivation, whether it is there or not.
I think if a person wants to become a serial complimenter, someone who can tell strangers they appreciate them, they need to keep it simple and disengage (or make it easy to disengage) right away. Respect a person’s space and the possibility that, despite your good intentions, they may not like it, and not take that personally.
(This goes triply if you’re doing Free Hugs.)
I think you nailed it.
Compliments from women make me feel good.
Compliments from guys in bars usually make me internally roll my eyes.
Compliments from male relatives make me feel good.
Compliments from male friends that I’m not interested in often make me feel uncomfortable, unless they have a girlfriend or I know they’re not interested in me that way.
So, if it’s in a situation where there’s no chance that they’re angling for anything beyond maybe a smile, that’s the best-feeling compliment from a stranger.
I agree with your comment. It’s harder to do the “fly-by” type of compliment on a train, but if you (or the person who was wondering about it, or anyone else in the situation) can throw it in when either the complimenter or the complimentee is leaving the train, then it works.
I’ve got a long standing habit of “fly-by” complimenting, usually of women, when passing by while walking somewhere. That’s easiest, because it’s so clearly being done in passing, while still a very good boost to the person getting the compliment.
It is harder in general, with a man complimenting a woman, because there are so many ways to misinterpret. Still, I do think that most people will pick up on the body language going with it – if a guy is trying to use a compliment as a lead-in to something more, it generally shows. At least, I think it does!
I say you gave good advice. Kudos!
I’m a big fan of the drive-by complimenting. I mean, not like the hanging out of your window screaming “work it, hot tits” kind of drive by, but the kind you’re advocating. :grin:
I like complimenting people also.
I will say there is an additional awkwardness that not many people think of. Specifically complimenting one person can be weird/uncomfortable for others in the nearby. An unintentional slight.
I remember in high/middle school, I spent a lot of time standing next to girls who were complimented. It was a good way to feel invisible, unimpressive, or unimportant.
You make a good point. Saying it as you’re leaving is the only way I could think of to say that without giving the wrong impression.
I think it goes both ways, though. I wouldn’t give compliments to a strange man since it would probably make him think I was interested in him and it would lead to too much confusion if I wasn’t.
Compliments from male friends don’t bother me, but I think a lot of that depends on the person and the situation.
I used to think that this only applied to the opposite sex, but I wonder if that’s changing. Recently, I had a girl come up to me and say, “I just wanted to tell you I think you’re pretty – but I’m not gay or anything.” And, I thought that was really strange. Since when do women have to qualify compliments they give eachother?
Somebody once told me I had a great nose as I was getting off an elevator.
I said “Thank you” and the doors closed.
My friend Ray is, as you can probably guess, a guy and has long strait brown hair that goes halfway down his back. He rarely does anything with it other then to put it in a loose pony tail or wear it down under a baseball cap. One day we were out having lunch and some random gal walked over (out of the way of where she seemed to be heading) and told him never to let anybody tell him to cut his hair. And she walked away never to be seen again.
If you feel the need to complement somebody, always ALWAYS do it. But yes, proceeding leave the area directly after does seem to cut back of any creepy factor that could pop up.
I certainly can understand the fear of having a compliment taken the wrong way, but if someone enjoys giving compliments and they make the recipient feel good, then I think it is a shame to not pay a deserved compliment.
But I don’t think this has to be the situation, even if a “drive-by” compliment is not necessarily possible under the situation. Example: Sitting in a coffee shop, you don’t have to wait until you are leaving to pay a compliment. Approaching after getting a refill and saying “I just wanted to tell you that you have a wonderful smile.” and then going back to your own seat does not seem like a pick up line. The same statement followed by “May I join you” or “Can I buy you a coffee” will now seem like you are interested in something more than just making them feel good, even if it is just friendship.
I have a very good friend of mine who frequently can cheer me up with some of the most beautiful and eloquent compliments I have ever heard. He also suffers from a terrible fear of being considered improper or even creepy. I think this is a terrible shame. The good feeling generated by his sincere flattery should not be limited to a couple close friends.
Tell your buddy that compliments in and of themselves are not bad things and that he should feel free to offer them any time they are deserved. As long as they are not accompanied by leering or other inappropriate behaviors.
*smiles* I can relate to your friend. Being an intelligent and caring male comes with a lot of concern over being seen as ‘creepy’. I think there are a lot of jerks in this world that make it hard for the rest of us.
There was a girl in the communications department my junior year of college that was very striking. She was beautiful, of course, but it was more her auora (and I’m totally butchering that word I know…sorry!) that was magnetic. It was, in fact, very hard to take my eyes off her. At a department function near the end of the year, I decided to pay her a compliment. I don’t remember my exact words, but I bascially just went up to her and complimented her beauty. She smiled and was very thankful. I think people don’t hear enough good things about themselves, so compliment them if you feel the need. It will make you feel good too. Its always nice to make a beautiful woman smile.
I think that’s pretty solid advice. I’d add that it also really depends on the type of compliment, the nature of your friendship/relationship to the person and the context of the giving. Like all things social interaction, there’s a lot going on ;)
I adore giving and getting compliments from my friends, female and male, because I love and appreciate them and hope they love and appreciate me too ;)