For remembering
My history was different from most, between the absence of TV and abundance of books for the first decade of my life to the independent, strong, single women who made up my family. My family often told me that I was an exception amongst men, and it was a struggle to decide whether to be proud of myself, individually, or ashamed of being male. As you might imagine, the truth was a little from column A, a little from column B. Though I make friends easily, I am close to few men, because they’ve got to be exceptional – in order to come to terms, I had to come up with my own definitions of masculinity (a few of the corny results are found on my dusty old web site).
I’m not really going to go into the abuse and coersion I dealt with, both as a kid and a young adult – too many people don’t understand the difference between “I’m sharing myself with you” and “I want you to fix my problems” or “I’m begging for sympathy”.
I try to remember that I am, first and foremost, me, and that I am defined primarily by my actions and secondarily by my experiences. I feel, by and large, happy and whole, and I am proud of who I am as a person, not by half because I’ve been a shitty person, and who I am now grew from both loving experiences and grief, tears and anguish. The hard-won me, y’know?
I found myself reading a few posts about gender issues that have come up recently over The Livejournals (primarily this one from the perspective of how to operate as a single geek male and This one about how not to be That Guy) and it’s pretty depressing.
I’m not a disrespectful shithead who only speaks to girls in order to set up my sex life but it seems like there’s no room for that, you’re either a sexist pig or an “ally” who is using his “sensitivity” to get in someone’s pants.
Anyway, I just wanted a place to put lucy’s comments when I was bumming out, in case I forget or feel misunderstood:
Me: I find it pretty hard to find any honor or satisfaction in being male. I don’t want to be female, or find myself being less male because of it, but when do I ever see anything positive related to it?
Lucy: You have to feel the honor of being YOU, whether you’re male or female. If you only listen to the greater public pressure of the types of people you hang around with – well let’s face it, a lot of friends of our friends are female-power oriented. You were raised in a situation where you were, in a way, left out of something because you were the only male. You have to be comfortable with who you are regardless.
There is SO much positive related to you because you are Scott, a wonderful empathetic silly intelligent open-minded supportive person. Gender has nothing to do with it, but I know you have to define yourself as male, obviously (because you are) and I know you are especially sensitive to it, because of the way you were raised, because of your relationships. I just think you can’t take the public opinion of male and apply it to yourself.
But you constantly have to fight to not be defined as all of “That Guy” crap just because you have a penis and you’re white, and that does suck. So how can one go above and be proud to be a man? I’m not sure. But I’m proud of you and I’m proud of the man that you are. Constant gender attacks are something you need to walk away from. You are not That Guy. No one that knows you thinks you are, or looks at you with those thoughts in mind. The majority of people that meet you are not thinking “He’s white and a male, better be careful” Your sensitivity to the few makes it hard for you to not believe the majority, sometimes, it seems.
I hope that none of this comes out wrong – I’m not saying that you should dismiss your gender battles, I’m just saying it pisses me off when you think less of yourself because you’re a man. (not pisses me off towards you, just at society)
What are your experiences with ‘cool men’? Did you have excellent examples of manhood, growing up, or did you find any later in life? How do you define that?
My thoughts
It is a battle we will have to always fight. I think as a society we have done a wonderful job expanding and defining femininity and what it means to be a woman. Masculinity has been left on the back burner in terms of how it is positively defined or acted out.
Eventually there might not be any gender role differences when society finally comes to accept the position of, “whatever makes you happy” and is the most intoned with whom you are inside.
From my perspective, you are a wonderful person and a wonderful man. The fact that my wife was comfortable enough with you for the back rub and never felt any pressure or awkwardness definitely says that you are not the “nice guy” in quotes but the real McCoy.
Re: My thoughts
Thanks :) By the way, sorry about the coding problem – I fixed it, and a sentence or two reappeared in my post.
Re: My thoughts
Thanks :) By the way, sorry about the coding problem – I fixed it, and a sentence or two reappeared in my post.
My thoughts
It is a battle we will have to always fight. I think as a society we have done a wonderful job expanding and defining femininity and what it means to be a woman. Masculinity has been left on the back burner in terms of how it is positively defined or acted out.
Eventually there might not be any gender role differences when society finally comes to accept the position of, “whatever makes you happy” and is the most intoned with whom you are inside.
From my perspective, you are a wonderful person and a wonderful man. The fact that my wife was comfortable enough with you for the back rub and never felt any pressure or awkwardness definitely says that you are not the “nice guy” in quotes but the real McCoy.
My examples
My father has been an interesting example of manhood. When I was younger he was very mad, controlling and dominating. He used to get very angry and yell and yell and yell. I was scared of him and use to dread spending time with him. My friends were scared of him and after he yelled at a gym full of rowdy kids in 5th grade I had teachers asking me for a month if he beat me at home.
I think a great deal of my personality has been a dynamic opposition to that form of masculinity.
After I went to college he has settled down a great deal and is a completely different person. He is very competent in what he does and very quick to offer help and assistance. He helped one of his co-workers build a cabin in mountains and just amazes me.
I think we just have to build our own form of masculinity that works for us. *shrug* I don’t like the masculine norms that society holds up so I guess we make our own.
Re: My examples
Was that really your hair?
Re: My examples
Yes that really was my hair. I should make a post about it. I’m surprised I haven’t already. It actually ended up a couple of inches longer than in the picture.
Re: My examples
Yes that really was my hair. I should make a post about it. I’m surprised I haven’t already. It actually ended up a couple of inches longer than in the picture.
Re: My examples
Was that really your hair?
Re: My examples
I had my own “anti-rolemodel” too.
Re: My examples
I had my own “anti-rolemodel” too.
My examples
My father has been an interesting example of manhood. When I was younger he was very mad, controlling and dominating. He used to get very angry and yell and yell and yell. I was scared of him and use to dread spending time with him. My friends were scared of him and after he yelled at a gym full of rowdy kids in 5th grade I had teachers asking me for a month if he beat me at home.
I think a great deal of my personality has been a dynamic opposition to that form of masculinity.
After I went to college he has settled down a great deal and is a completely different person. He is very competent in what he does and very quick to offer help and assistance. He helped one of his co-workers build a cabin in mountains and just amazes me.
I think we just have to build our own form of masculinity that works for us. *shrug* I don’t like the masculine norms that society holds up so I guess we make our own.
Seriously, I was never a “macho” guy. And I don’t think it has anything to do with my sexuality. I love demolition. Ask my friend about how fast we took down the old shed behind his place.
I know how to fix things, I know how to change my own oil, and I used to do cross-stitching. I play video games constantly, and I don’t give a damn about what most people think. And the only people who matter; they don’t care.
*hugs*
I’ve never thought of your sexuality (specifically) and your masculinity as being necessarily tied together.
I know I definitely appreciate being able to skip down the hall of my university, arm in arm with a guy, just for the hilarity of it, as well as chopping wood. :)
Also, just a note, I messed up my html and then left for Denny’s – I fixed it now, and a sentence or two that were invisible now are visible.
*hugs*
I wasn’t giving you sympathy and I’m not trying to fix your problems! :P~
hahahaha God, I’m an ass. :) Hope you had a good time at Denny’s! *hugs*
*grins* Well, we missed you, naturally, but we were at the 275 Denny’s, not Ann Arbor.
That was the rumor I heard.
That was the rumor I heard.
*grins* Well, we missed you, naturally, but we were at the 275 Denny’s, not Ann Arbor.
I wasn’t giving you sympathy and I’m not trying to fix your problems! :P~
hahahaha God, I’m an ass. :) Hope you had a good time at Denny’s! *hugs*
I’ve never thought of your sexuality (specifically) and your masculinity as being necessarily tied together.
I know I definitely appreciate being able to skip down the hall of my university, arm in arm with a guy, just for the hilarity of it, as well as chopping wood. :)
Also, just a note, I messed up my html and then left for Denny’s – I fixed it now, and a sentence or two that were invisible now are visible.
*hugs*
Seriously, I was never a “macho” guy. And I don’t think it has anything to do with my sexuality. I love demolition. Ask my friend about how fast we took down the old shed behind his place.
I know how to fix things, I know how to change my own oil, and I used to do cross-stitching. I play video games constantly, and I don’t give a damn about what most people think. And the only people who matter; they don’t care.
*hugs*
A Before/After Example
My Dad was raised to be a bit of a Misogynist. He was basically a good father when he wasn’t in a Manic state or verbally/physically abusing my brother and sister, but he could not handle “female issues.” He would regularly call certain women bitches, my mom was expected to do all of the cooking, housework, and taking care of us, even though she worked full time, and we were never allowed to cry around him.
Then, the shit hit the fan. His as-of-yet undiagnosed bipolar illness finally got the best of him and he was arrested for disability fraud, for which he was indeed guilty. He went to jail for a year, and upon his release attempted suicide. My brother found him after 5 days of no food or drink and got him help in time. Well, he began treatment, and by the end of the year, he was a different man. Crying in front of him was now no longer frowned upon; in fact, he encouraged it. He would ask about how I felt. Although he was now divorced from my mother, he would come over to walk her dog and help her out with household chores. He learned to take care of himself, do his own laundry, cook for himself, everything. He became soft-spoken, a listener, sensitive even. He had been somewhat sensitive before, but he lacked patience to follow through.
The Before picture, that is not what I think of as much of a male role model. The After picture is much more like it. But it’s not just because he became more sensitive. It’s because he became healthy, truly “himself.” He was the man he had always wanted to be, but couldn’t quite figure out how to be. He could never admit to himself that he had a psychiatric illness. Once he got the treatment he needed, things changed drastically for him.
Luckily for you, you do not have a psychiatric illness ( at least, I’m pretty sure you don’t). And I think the only reason you worry that you might not be the man you want to be is that you know we all can be better as human beings no matter what. In that sense, just the fact that you continue to try to grow as a human being on a regular basis is awesome. You treat women like human beings, and, you know what? That’s all you can be expected to do. Human beings have all kinds of emotions that we don’t always have any control over at all. You don’t react to those emotions on impulse but on intelligence, again, point in your favor. So, those are the only things I can think of that really matter, honestly.
Re: A Before/After Example
*nod* My dad is my anti-rolemodel, with his own jail-time to account for.
Also, I’m letting anyone who commented know that I messed up my HTML before leaving the house, and a few sentences disappeared in the process. fixed now!
Thanks for posting your story. *hugs*
Re: A Before/After Example
*nod* My dad is my anti-rolemodel, with his own jail-time to account for.
Also, I’m letting anyone who commented know that I messed up my HTML before leaving the house, and a few sentences disappeared in the process. fixed now!
Thanks for posting your story. *hugs*
A Before/After Example
My Dad was raised to be a bit of a Misogynist. He was basically a good father when he wasn’t in a Manic state or verbally/physically abusing my brother and sister, but he could not handle “female issues.” He would regularly call certain women bitches, my mom was expected to do all of the cooking, housework, and taking care of us, even though she worked full time, and we were never allowed to cry around him.
Then, the shit hit the fan. His as-of-yet undiagnosed bipolar illness finally got the best of him and he was arrested for disability fraud, for which he was indeed guilty. He went to jail for a year, and upon his release attempted suicide. My brother found him after 5 days of no food or drink and got him help in time. Well, he began treatment, and by the end of the year, he was a different man. Crying in front of him was now no longer frowned upon; in fact, he encouraged it. He would ask about how I felt. Although he was now divorced from my mother, he would come over to walk her dog and help her out with household chores. He learned to take care of himself, do his own laundry, cook for himself, everything. He became soft-spoken, a listener, sensitive even. He had been somewhat sensitive before, but he lacked patience to follow through.
The Before picture, that is not what I think of as much of a male role model. The After picture is much more like it. But it’s not just because he became more sensitive. It’s because he became healthy, truly “himself.” He was the man he had always wanted to be, but couldn’t quite figure out how to be. He could never admit to himself that he had a psychiatric illness. Once he got the treatment he needed, things changed drastically for him.
Luckily for you, you do not have a psychiatric illness ( at least, I’m pretty sure you don’t). And I think the only reason you worry that you might not be the man you want to be is that you know we all can be better as human beings no matter what. In that sense, just the fact that you continue to try to grow as a human being on a regular basis is awesome. You treat women like human beings, and, you know what? That’s all you can be expected to do. Human beings have all kinds of emotions that we don’t always have any control over at all. You don’t react to those emotions on impulse but on intelligence, again, point in your favor. So, those are the only things I can think of that really matter, honestly.
I am with you, M8. Reading those two posts made me cry. . . . Because the goal state is a variable based on the person you talk to, and the group you are in, because good is never good enough, because there is always someone who is willing to tell you that you failed. . . . Because the mountain is impossible to climb, but must be climbed.
Where can I consider good enough? Does dedicating the last five years to paying my wifes way through med school, because I believe in here even when she stops believing in herself, while working a series of jobs that slowly crush my soul count? Does the fact that two of my best friends are a lesbian couple, and they consider me one of few trustworthy men they have ever met mean I have come far enough that I can stop flogging myself for being male? Or do I have to try to achieve a level of acceptability that would satisfy ( http://users.livejournal.com/_allecto_/34718.html ), who seems to feel that they only real type of love for a woman to have is ‘love(sister/lesbian/ gynaffectionate love)’?
Some days it leaves me feeling defeat, like no effort could possibly be good enough, so why even bother . . . Feel like giving it up for a lost cause, and walking away.
And then Rachel does exactly what Lucy just did for you, and reminds me that for all the things I may not be, I am an ‘Ally’ to all those with realistic viewpoints on feminism.
I’m all about it, chuck.
I’m all about it, chuck.
I am with you, M8. Reading those two posts made me cry. . . . Because the goal state is a variable based on the person you talk to, and the group you are in, because good is never good enough, because there is always someone who is willing to tell you that you failed. . . . Because the mountain is impossible to climb, but must be climbed.
Where can I consider good enough? Does dedicating the last five years to paying my wifes way through med school, because I believe in here even when she stops believing in herself, while working a series of jobs that slowly crush my soul count? Does the fact that two of my best friends are a lesbian couple, and they consider me one of few trustworthy men they have ever met mean I have come far enough that I can stop flogging myself for being male? Or do I have to try to achieve a level of acceptability that would satisfy ( http://users.livejournal.com/_allecto_/34718.html ), who seems to feel that they only real type of love for a woman to have is ‘love(sister/lesbian/ gynaffectionate love)’?
Some days it leaves me feeling defeat, like no effort could possibly be good enough, so why even bother . . . Feel like giving it up for a lost cause, and walking away.
And then Rachel does exactly what Lucy just did for you, and reminds me that for all the things I may not be, I am an ‘Ally’ to all those with realistic viewpoints on feminism.
Scott, to put it simply, anyone that doesn’t think you are a good guy or thinks that you put on an act just to get attention, etc. from women is both a moron and in many cases probably the opposite of you i.e. a underhanded guy trying to puff themselves up by putting others down.
I don’t know anyone else that’s posted up here, but I can speak for myself. You know me fairly well. I do plenty of things that as a guy may not be considered ‘manly’. Do I care? No, I really don’t. I’ve tended to connect with either sex because of who I am, and you are similar.
My father is a typical man of his place in time. He’s 53 years old. He was brought up as a guys don’t cry, fix it all yourself, don’t take anyones bullshit, keep your feelings to yourself and never talk about them sort of guy.
Me? I cry. I fix it all myself. I don’t take crap from anyone. But I can talk about my feelings. I also sew. I knit on occasion, but not in awhile. I can come across as macho, and I tend to talk a mean game that probably has made more than a couple people think that I’m a psycho. I’m really not, I’m just from New York. I am a nice guy. I am my own brand of man. And so are you.
I used to be more sensitive about the opinions of others until I realized that those that thought poorly of me, or those that felt I was less than them were jealous or insecure themselves. It’s a childish behavior that some just never grow out of.
Trying to define oneself in any one role is simply outdated. It’s as outdated as the man always pays for the meal (I manage to *most* of the time). Coolness in the eyes of the beholder, chief.Y ou are one of the nicest guys I know. There are plenty of guys that I’m aware of that make me say “Wow, that guy is a real dick.”
Can I ask you, is this an abstract or event-driven?
And remember, if you ever find yourself in a fight let me know. I’ve got your back. ;)
*hugs*
Thanks, buddy. :) There’ve been a complex set of livejournal-driven events since con that have brought some of this to mind, but the posts I linked to are much of what brought this to mind, this time.
However, I’ve also been thinking about these issues since… well, since before puberty, really. I remember telling my grandmother that I was afraid that once I was an adult, people (IE my family) would dismiss what I had to say simply because I was a guy (rather than dismissing me for being a kid, which she almost never did).
My parents sort of dismiss me now. There have been several times that I’ve blasted my mother for quite specifically doing what I asked her not to do in regards to Tobyzilla. I don’t sweat it because I’m happy with my life. I don’t think they can say the same necessarily.
LJ-driven events, huh? Were you specifically mentioned? Or did you see ‘yourself’ in the post? When you say ‘this time’ I can’t help but feel you’ve run into this before.
It’s not about you unless it is your name mentioned Scott. I do that all the time too. I process the negative as if I own it. Then I consider the source.
My parents sort of dismiss me now. There have been several times that I’ve blasted my mother for quite specifically doing what I asked her not to do in regards to Tobyzilla. I don’t sweat it because I’m happy with my life. I don’t think they can say the same necessarily.
LJ-driven events, huh? Were you specifically mentioned? Or did you see ‘yourself’ in the post? When you say ‘this time’ I can’t help but feel you’ve run into this before.
It’s not about you unless it is your name mentioned Scott. I do that all the time too. I process the negative as if I own it. Then I consider the source.
Thanks, buddy. :) There’ve been a complex set of livejournal-driven events since con that have brought some of this to mind, but the posts I linked to are much of what brought this to mind, this time.
However, I’ve also been thinking about these issues since… well, since before puberty, really. I remember telling my grandmother that I was afraid that once I was an adult, people (IE my family) would dismiss what I had to say simply because I was a guy (rather than dismissing me for being a kid, which she almost never did).
Scott, to put it simply, anyone that doesn’t think you are a good guy or thinks that you put on an act just to get attention, etc. from women is both a moron and in many cases probably the opposite of you i.e. a underhanded guy trying to puff themselves up by putting others down.
I don’t know anyone else that’s posted up here, but I can speak for myself. You know me fairly well. I do plenty of things that as a guy may not be considered ‘manly’. Do I care? No, I really don’t. I’ve tended to connect with either sex because of who I am, and you are similar.
My father is a typical man of his place in time. He’s 53 years old. He was brought up as a guys don’t cry, fix it all yourself, don’t take anyones bullshit, keep your feelings to yourself and never talk about them sort of guy.
Me? I cry. I fix it all myself. I don’t take crap from anyone. But I can talk about my feelings. I also sew. I knit on occasion, but not in awhile. I can come across as macho, and I tend to talk a mean game that probably has made more than a couple people think that I’m a psycho. I’m really not, I’m just from New York. I am a nice guy. I am my own brand of man. And so are you.
I used to be more sensitive about the opinions of others until I realized that those that thought poorly of me, or those that felt I was less than them were jealous or insecure themselves. It’s a childish behavior that some just never grow out of.
Trying to define oneself in any one role is simply outdated. It’s as outdated as the man always pays for the meal (I manage to *most* of the time). Coolness in the eyes of the beholder, chief.Y ou are one of the nicest guys I know. There are plenty of guys that I’m aware of that make me say “Wow, that guy is a real dick.”
Can I ask you, is this an abstract or event-driven?
And remember, if you ever find yourself in a fight let me know. I’ve got your back. ;)
*hugs*
First of all, Lucy is totally a keeper. She put it better than I’m about to, but I can’t resist adding my perspective.
Now, I want you to know something, and I’m going to give you a little back story in order for you to understand that I’m not just saying this:
Growing up, I heard both of my parents use the phrase “head of the household” at least a thousand times, in reference (of course) to the man. When my younger brother was born they informed me that they had prayed for a son. I was raised with the understanding that men are more valuable than women.
My experiences with men haven’t been the best. I was in an outright abusive relationship for years, followed by a few shorter but at times equally horrific experiences that reinforced and compounded what has become a very deep distrust of men in general.
Often, I feel threatened (in a low-grade sense) by a male presence. At the same time I feel an overwhelming need for approval.
But (and this is the thing I want you to know) I’m comfortable with you. In fact, I consider you one of the best examples of masculine grace that I’ve ever come across.
I think you wear your masculinity very well: you don’t try to undercut it, but you don’t intentionally display it either. While you are very much a male, you have neither a sense of entitlement, nor any resentment of having to relinquish that entitlement to be a “nice guy”, nor a fear of females as elevated alien body-part goddess robots, nor anything else that communicates tension and threat. You’re my friend, and secondly you’re this great, amazing guy.
I’m sure that doesn’t magically reconcile your conflicts with having that wacky Y chromosome, but I don’t want to miss the chance to tell you that I think you were reared perfectly well. I think you’re a credit to your gender, and that alone should make you proud to be a man.
Eloquent and touching, as always. I know your life history better than most, making your comments even more moving.
*tight hug*
Thank you.
Eloquent and touching, as always. I know your life history better than most, making your comments even more moving.
*tight hug*
Thank you.
First of all, Lucy is totally a keeper. She put it better than I’m about to, but I can’t resist adding my perspective.
Now, I want you to know something, and I’m going to give you a little back story in order for you to understand that I’m not just saying this:
Growing up, I heard both of my parents use the phrase “head of the household” at least a thousand times, in reference (of course) to the man. When my younger brother was born they informed me that they had prayed for a son. I was raised with the understanding that men are more valuable than women.
My experiences with men haven’t been the best. I was in an outright abusive relationship for years, followed by a few shorter but at times equally horrific experiences that reinforced and compounded what has become a very deep distrust of men in general.
Often, I feel threatened (in a low-grade sense) by a male presence. At the same time I feel an overwhelming need for approval.
But (and this is the thing I want you to know) I’m comfortable with you. In fact, I consider you one of the best examples of masculine grace that I’ve ever come across.
I think you wear your masculinity very well: you don’t try to undercut it, but you don’t intentionally display it either. While you are very much a male, you have neither a sense of entitlement, nor any resentment of having to relinquish that entitlement to be a “nice guy”, nor a fear of females as elevated alien body-part goddess robots, nor anything else that communicates tension and threat. You’re my friend, and secondly you’re this great, amazing guy.
I’m sure that doesn’t magically reconcile your conflicts with having that wacky Y chromosome, but I don’t want to miss the chance to tell you that I think you were reared perfectly well. I think you’re a credit to your gender, and that alone should make you proud to be a man.
I have had the extreme goo fortune to find myself in the company of some of the greatest coolest men in the world in my adult like and you are included in that group.
The men in my life that have become the standard against which every other man I meet has been measured, are all very much male and men.
They are strong, gentle, caring, respectful, witty, intelligent, funny… each in their own unique way, this small group of friends have raised me, have helped me grow and given me a wide range of masculine traits to admire, that I never had as a child.
My Dad was loving, absent, and delusional, my brother was self-centered, manipulative and abusive… I only had 2 out of 6 uncles I saw regularly, one is crazy and one is old-fashioned strict christian narrow minded…. and never really knew either of my grandfathers.
How do I define a cool man? I don’t…. the options for how different qualities combine are infinite. Sometimes they make for similarities where you don’t expect them and sometimes they create differences you never would have expected. I guess the biggest thing for me that makes someone cool has nothing to do with gender, it is someone who is secure enough in themselves to show the people around them the respect they deserve…. and you do that in spades.
{{hugs}}
*hugs* Thank you, dear.
*hugs* Thank you, dear.
I have had the extreme goo fortune to find myself in the company of some of the greatest coolest men in the world in my adult like and you are included in that group.
The men in my life that have become the standard against which every other man I meet has been measured, are all very much male and men.
They are strong, gentle, caring, respectful, witty, intelligent, funny… each in their own unique way, this small group of friends have raised me, have helped me grow and given me a wide range of masculine traits to admire, that I never had as a child.
My Dad was loving, absent, and delusional, my brother was self-centered, manipulative and abusive… I only had 2 out of 6 uncles I saw regularly, one is crazy and one is old-fashioned strict christian narrow minded…. and never really knew either of my grandfathers.
How do I define a cool man? I don’t…. the options for how different qualities combine are infinite. Sometimes they make for similarities where you don’t expect them and sometimes they create differences you never would have expected. I guess the biggest thing for me that makes someone cool has nothing to do with gender, it is someone who is secure enough in themselves to show the people around them the respect they deserve…. and you do that in spades.
{{hugs}}
First — I’m going to paraphrase a software engineering quote from Ron Jeffries here:
Now, I tripped out a bit when I read your post because of the number
of parallels I can draw between your past and mine. No positive male
role models; my grandmother chief amongst the positive role models I did have;
being singled out as an “exception amongst men”, and more.
Then things kinda veered towards a long and drawn out tirade all about
my life, which I’ll save and perhaps recycle into a post on
my own blog. =)
The approach I’ve taken doesn’t have so much to do with finding
a definition of masculinity that I can reconcile with myself.
I don’t know what it means to be a “good man”. I have some idea of
what it takes to be a good me, and that’s what I try
to do. I think that’s all any of us can.
By the way — no need to apologize for making a typo
with your HTML. If you keep apologizing so much, people are going to
start to suspect that you are Canadian or something. =)
Heh, that was just ’cause I wanted to make sure each person knew.
Heh, that was just ’cause I wanted to make sure each person knew.
First — I’m going to paraphrase a software engineering quote from Ron Jeffries here:
Now, I tripped out a bit when I read your post because of the number
of parallels I can draw between your past and mine. No positive male
role models; my grandmother chief amongst the positive role models I did have;
being singled out as an “exception amongst men”, and more.
Then things kinda veered towards a long and drawn out tirade all about
my life, which I’ll save and perhaps recycle into a post on
my own blog. =)
The approach I’ve taken doesn’t have so much to do with finding
a definition of masculinity that I can reconcile with myself.
I don’t know what it means to be a “good man”. I have some idea of
what it takes to be a good me, and that’s what I try
to do. I think that’s all any of us can.
By the way — no need to apologize for making a typo
with your HTML. If you keep apologizing so much, people are going to
start to suspect that you are Canadian or something. =)
My experiences have been as varied as everyone else here. My father and stepfather each had their own positive and negative qualities. And because of that, I learned early on about picking and choosing what I believed was worthy.
As I grew up, I looked for people that I respected, and I tried to emulate the qualities that I thought were excellent. It’s a Quality that I can’t describe how to define, or where to look, but it becomes obvious when you see it.
And yes, I’ve found more, later in life. Writing to one now, actually.
My experiences have been as varied as everyone else here. My father and stepfather each had their own positive and negative qualities. And because of that, I learned early on about picking and choosing what I believed was worthy.
As I grew up, I looked for people that I respected, and I tried to emulate the qualities that I thought were excellent. It’s a Quality that I can’t describe how to define, or where to look, but it becomes obvious when you see it.
And yes, I’ve found more, later in life. Writing to one now, actually.