I wasn’t angry then; I’m not angry now. Just disappointed.
I had to think long and hard about whether to post this, and if so, whether to make it private, friends-only, limited, or public. Ultimately, I decided that because I’m writing it to document my own feelings and not to state facts or even express my position, I should make it available. I like being clearly understood. *chuckles wryly* heckuva drama disclaimer, isn’t it?
I’m pretty uncomfortable with the idea that someone I’ve respected has been talking down about me to other people I love and who clearly love me. I don’t expect everyone to like me, and I don’t expect someone who doesn’t like me to not speak their mind to their own friends, but it’s a let-down when you see that your dignity as a human being isn’t being respected.
It is clear that on occasion I am a dick, and I am criminally forgetful, and that I sometimes overlook a person’s feelings. I can accept that only because I not only make an effort not to do so, but attempt to correct my mistakes, apologize and remedy. I certainly run into communication problems, particularly in mediums other than face-to-face, but I would be shocked if it were otherwise. As Skate will attest, I try pretty hard to stay calm and work through misunderstandings.
It bums me out when I get more flak for unintentional errors than do marginal human beings who intentionally treat others poorly for their own immediate benefit and satisfaction.
If I need to vent, I try to think carefully about who I vent to. Sometimes, it’s because I still care about the person who is bothering me, but just as often, it is because I don’t want to place someone else inside a conflict where they don’t belong.
I see this happening a lot lately to people I like, where they’re being dragged inside of a situation between mutual friends, and I want to just shake the world and say, “Where is your head?? Don’t you care for your friend? Can’t you respect that their feelings may be different than your own?” I’m not saying I haven’t done it; I know that I have, but I make that effort to not bitch to people who don’t want to hear it.
If you want to comment about the concept or how it has affected your own life, or you’d like to crtically debate the general idea, I’d be happy to hear it; if you are looking to start a dramatic conflict over this, let it go.
“I get more flak for unintentional errors than do marginal human beings who intentionally treat others poorly for their own immediate benefit and satisfaction.”
This is pretty common. I think it’s because more is expected of you. Just like at work, we have a lazy person. He closes about 4 work orders a week. He doesn’t get any flak for it. If I close less then 20 I do. More is expected of me so when I fall short, it’s a greater disappointment to people around me. Sometimes I really just want to be that way myself just to stop getting the shit. But my personality just wouldn’t allow it. We are better people for the way we are.
*nod* I like that some people have high expectations of me. I do not like that some of the same people don’t think I’m human, with the usual array of human failures.
I hope you don’t care if I don’t like you ;) lol
I have no idea what your talking about, but, You can’t be all things to all people. Some people will decide to be childish. Fuck ’em. You’ve got better things to do and better people to be part of than some immature kid. All you can do is talk to them and try to be friendly, but don’t let your feelings for keeping a friend get in the way of what they’re doing to you.
Oh yeah, you’re a total dick, so you don’t have to like me. ;)
As far as the particular circumstances that led to this post, it didn’t take me long to shrug my shoulders, declare it silly, and move on.
Although there are certain people that this world always seem to expect more from, I’ve found that people excpet more from people who expect more from themselves. Unfortunately, sometimes this means expecting more than is humanly possible – on a pretty consistant basis.
A good snapshot of my childhood was telling my dad that I got a 97 on a test in elementary school. He asked me what happened on the other 3 points. He wasn’t being mean, and I know he was just teasing me – but I’ve still internalized that statement and others like it. I think the most difficult part of expecting more from yourself is that sometimes people don’t realize that you can be ten times harder on yourself than they’re going to be anyway. At the same time, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and sometimes it’s best to realize that it’s a compliment in it’s own way, when people expect you to be inhumanly perfect. Just don’t take it to heart, and realize that the people who love you not only do so despite you imperfections, but occasionally even because of them. :grins:
Thanks. :)
There have been a lot of instances like that throughout my life. The ones that left the deepest impression came from my first gay relationship. I had vast respect and love for the man. In his eyes I had many short-comings and drawbacks. I was given flak on a frequent basis for things I would or would not say, things I would do, and ultimately, for the fact that I just wasn’t as smart as him. He would even go as far as to tell me about the conversations he would have with all of his friends about the things I would do and proceed to criticize me and condescend me for them.
Yeah, I was dumb alright. I was in love, and I think that’s what made it hurt the most. I still have problems in some minor areas with the prints Sal left on my mind.
Then, with my current Mr Man, I’ll get something accomplished, like have the place spotless, (not very characteristic of me) and Billy will still comment on the part(s) that I forgot. Or, one time I brought him something to drink, it wasn’t what he asked for, but it was the closest thing to it that the gas station had. Instead of thanking me anyway and noting my effort to do good, he cops and attitude and gripes at my “apparent lack of thought.”
I know what you mean about being cautious of who you vent to, for various reasons. I don’t vent to anyone…the people I can actually get a hold of either don’t want to hear it, don’t need to hear it, or can not be trusted. I’ve had things bite me in the ass (and not in a good way) too many times.
Sorry I went on like this. :) If ever you’d like to chat sometime, hit me up, I always enjoy a good chat or talk (or vent).
Don’t ever worry about going on, I’m about as verbose as they come *grin*
I dated someone once who was ubercritical of everything I did, and it was really hard on me. Ultimately, when we broke up (uhm… the first time) I found myself, sort of, and promised myself that I wouldn’t stop being myself just because she didn’t appreciate it. As it turned out, we liked each other quite a bit more when I wasn’t taking her shit.
I trust people an awful lot, and I kind of like living that way; every so often I feel like someone betrays my trust, but coming from a perspective that labels such betrayals as a “cost of doing business”, I consider these acceptable losses. I try to be forthright without being cruel.
Verbose…that sounds like a kind of Italian soup. “Excuse me, I think I’ll have the verbose soup.” lol
I’m glad that you were able to shift internal gears and change the way you interacted with said woman. It can be a lot harder to actually do than most would think. I find that women like a man who stands up for himself (generally) :)
I’m very trusting of people, but on a very shallow level. I’ve looked back on how I interact with people depending upon how well I know them or how close I am to them. The closer I get to someone, the less I tell them the shit that’s bothering me just because I don’t want to bother them. Stupid, I know. That, and I tend to put a lot into the friends I try to make and they always seem to stop being friends with me for some reason. They have their reasons, I’m sure, we all have reasons.
I care about everyone who actually takes the time to exchange some kind of thought with me, and I always try to offer what bits of experience I can. You never know who it may help.
From what I’ve read in your LJs, you seem like a really nice guy. Everyone can be a dick at times. God knows I can be. I’m surprised Billy hasn’t given me the boot because of it.
As far as being forthright(in said respect) without being cruel, there is a fine line between the two, and it’s often too fine to be seen by anyone but the giver unless that line is explained.
I can’t put my finger on it, but there is something about this statement that makes me sad. Maybe I’m misunderstanding what I’m reading. That’s usually the case.
Aaron, that is verbal abuse!
Not even a year ago could I have even been able to recognize it, but now that I am out of the relationship and have some distance can I see it now. (It is my job to recognize abuse, but even as a professional, I couldn’t see it in my own life).
Father Bill saw it early on in our dating and we even fought about it but he was right. I didn’t realize the “working toward one goal” type of relationship had deteriorated into a “it is my way or the highway” type. I choose the highway!!!
But,I am still quite jumpy about what I say and do, waiting for the criticism and harsh words, but Father Bill takes the time and reassures me (even for the 60 millionth time).
I got a book on verbal abuse that is easy reading and pretty on target about how to recognize it (I don’t have it here but if you are interested I can get the name to you). But it doesn’t have to be that way, a total disregard for your feelings and selfishness on one side. If you want, we can talk more about this, if you wish…