Allow me to clear this bit of indigestion, will you?
I’m sure I’ll regret writing this tomorrow. I want to write a little about how I feel about spiteful people, clear the air as it were, because questions keep coming up, and I would like to not have to answer them again.
Saying anything in such a public place as my journal potentially implies that I take arrogant pleasure in how I deal with emotional bullies and provides exactly the attention that I do not intend to give.
However, I must express myself, and (as ever) feel a near-compulsion to make my intentions perfectly clear — due, in part, to my own mistakes and misconceptions over the years. It seems this pot will just get stirred up, over and over, and this is my last attempt to empty that pot, completely.
Perhaps you, my friend, have your own experiences or thoughts you’d like to share, and I can learn from you. Forgive me if the post seems self-indulgent; this is LiveJournal, after all.
I heard an author on public radio say, “With all the heart-breaking circumstances in life, who needs villains?” I quite agree.
Everyone has the capacity to be an asshole. I’m an asshole, you’re an asshole — it’s remarkably and heart-breakingly easy to be inconsiderate. So, when I really care about someone, I try not to get shitty if they got a little ouf of hand. After all, they’ve clearly built up their capital in my eyes already, so a fair apology is all I ask. It’ll be my chance to ask for forgiveness soon enough.
But when someone proves to be malicious, I do not sit around hoping that eventually someone who takes pleasure in the idea of my anguish will be done with hating and suddenly stop sending me “puppies with heart conditions” or whatever their douleur du jour might be. I do not ask them to sit down and explain to me why they’ve crossed the line from lashing out into premeditated attacks.
When you (in general) are in the throes of being manipulated by someone you care for, every time you speak to that person you are giving them power, and another opportunity to lay the foundation for further pain. The reason they have that power is because you give it to them with love, trust, and attention.
There was once, a few years ago, when I thought I’d try again to be friends with someone who had been clearly malicious to me. I considered myself safe and immune from that person’s bile, because I could think of no avenue they could harm me, so many years after any relevant communication. I was proved, horrifically, publicly, wrong. Oops!
I don’t take time out to explain why I’m walking away from an abusive relationship. By then, I’ve usually debased myself with some sort of tearful, abject apology for behavior that was, at worst, callous. “I am a horrible person for leaving the seat up! I am a baby-raping monster!” I don’t cheat, steal, hit, yell, manipulate or cage; no matter how obnoxious, arrogant, or childish I may behave at times, I am still earnest in my intentions and speech, and attempt to follow my words through, though I may fail.
I don’t think making yourself vulnerable to others is a mistake. I do think maintaining that connection when you are being used is a lesson about both yourself and other people that needs to be learned and acted on as soon as humanly possible.
I don’t feel superior or proud about making the decison to stop talking to someone who lashes out at me directly and indirectly in vindictive pleasure. I feel bullied. I make mistakes that hurt people, sometimes, and I regret those mistakes so much that I remember them long after the relationship is gone. I won’t, though, agree that I deserve the indignity of attempts to ruin my current friendships, months or years down the road. It’s more than poor taste, it’s fruitlessly mean, and says more about a person’s state of mind than the intended victim.
For the sake of my sanity, self-esteem, and future happiness, I walk firmly and permanently away. It’s called self-preservation, and it’s been necessary maybe three times in my life. When it comes to friendship and love, I do not hurt people for my own satisfaction. It’s a line you just don’t cross.
I try very, very hard not to whine or lash out in response, because when someone speaks that way about you amongst mature, intelligent people, they are proving how very, very young they really are, and I’m not interested in making them hurt. I don’t want vengeance and I don’t expect them to understand, I just want them to move on.
I don’t feel angry about it, or upset in a literal sense, I feel tired. It’s like watching a battle rage on that ceased to be relevant so long ago, no one really knows what it is about anymore. And you just want it to stop.
I’m just a guy, in the grand scheme of their life. This isn’t 8th grade.
We don’t hate children for the things they do, we just hope, for their sake, they’ll grow up.
I’m not unhappy, anxious, or concerned. These days I don’t feel angry, wounded, or upset. I don’t feel abandoned or rejected. I just feel, as ever, a very strong desire to be clear.
You know, I could probably repost this word for word in my own journal replacing “guy” with “gal.” Bravo. :)
I think that the hardest thing I’ve ever done is walk away from an bad/abusive situation quietly. I want to go out yelling, and screaming, and throwing things.
My mom, though she’s much grown beyond this, taught by example how to make someone more angry than they were when they entered the fight. She used to make fighting with her absolute hell. She’d hit every button she could find, and hardly understood what she was doing. My dad taught me, by example, how to make someone feel like less than scum with quiet, harsh words. I’m not sure how I avoided it, but, for the most part, I don’t fight like either one of them. I can, but reserve it for folks I really really really don’t like, or am beyond reasonably angry with.
… I’m not entirely sure how that was relevant, but I felt it was when I wrote it two hours ago. Whatever. :)
I think it’s perfectly relevant. Testing for emotional pressure points and then squeeeezing is manipulation, for certain, though by saying she hardly understood what she’s doing, it sounds like it was her way to just put her head down and swing wildly, hoping something would connect.
No drama is good drama, and I agree, that it is better to walk away they try and teach a rabid dog new tricks.
It’s hard to just walk away, often times it’s for the best.
You know I agree with all of this, as we have talked about it pretty extensively.
Unfortunately, sometimes people let their larger individual issue get blurred by something else, whether it’s a particular person or event, etc. Basically it’s like having a disease and trying to hold someone else who happens to be present during an attack for the symptoms you suffer. For instance, I have asthma, and perhaps I end up with a wheezing attack because someone wears strong cologne. I could focus entirely on that person’s motivation for wearing that cologne and how it is obviously an attempt to make me miserable and quite possibly, kill me! Oh my! Or, I could say, you know what? They wanted to smell good and I have to take responsibility for my own condition, be aware of it, try to avoid triggers, and when they are unavoidable, have the necessary means to treat my problem. It’s nobody else’s responsibility to do so, I have to do that for myself. And then you have the folks who are totally illogical, and would blame someone else for knowing that a particular strain of ragweed is in season at a particular longitude and latitude at a particular time of day and scream that you brought them there knowing it would trigger their asthma, as if one could even be aware of such things or intentionally do such a thing. But that kind of mentality about things does develop sometimes and it’s really unfortunate for everyone involved.
I make mistakes that hurt people, sometimes, and I regret those mistakes so much that I remember them long after the relationship is gone. I won’t, though, agree that I deserve the indignity of attempts to ruin my current friendships, months or years down the road. It’s more than poor taste, it’s fruitlessly mean, and says more about a person’s state of mind than the intended victim.
Absolutely.
I grew up in a family of cunningly passive-agressive people. Those around me would get the last word in, no matter what and leave acid with their tongues. The way my mom and dad both, argued was manipulative and calculated. My stepmom at the time, was cruel and hurtful whenever she spoke to me or my two brothers. She would pigeon-hole us about anything she could find…especially my mom.
I find myself being more passive aggressive than anything. I can be manipulative, but I try not to be. I find that it still compromises the integrity of my self confidence and self esteem. I think it’s interesting.
I find that I avoid talking to my mom because of her chronic manipulation via emotional displays. When someone starts crying, I am compelled beyond measure to go to them and console them and tell them they are valued. I become a soft, cuddly door mat.
This made sense this morning. :p