As a little kid (say, first grade), I said and did some pretty wacky things. I emptied a can of Pam onto the kitchen ceiling, for one, and put green food dye in my step-cousin’s roll-on (yes, I did indeed have a crush).
I once got my grandmother in trouble by blaming something naughty I did on “my other self” – apparently, I wasn’t able to cogently say, “actually, that was a manifestation of my barely-contained id”, which was more what she was talking about, really. I was the only one who listened to her, those days.
However, I really did have some understanding of “other selves” in a way, especially as I got a little older (nine or so). At that age, I was able to close my eyes and remember another circumstance when my mind worked differently. And by “remember”, I mean I was able to go through the mental motions like playing a record, and feel the same ‘style’ of thought process I once felt, before time changed me into a new person.
It sounds totally weird and hippy, but sometimes you train that sense of empathy or sympathy not just other people, or yourself as you are, but on who you once were.
All that leads up to a bit of a story I was telling earlier tonight, about how as a pre-teen and early teen, I had a hard time believing anything positive about myself beyond being intelligent. My mom and grandmother encouraged me in that way, but everything else in my life told me I was worth nothing. I didn’t hate myself, it was just one of those things you live with.
Remembering that “me” felt like wading into a wet swamp that sucked at your boots. I remembered vividly what it was like to never be sure of myself, to fear what other people thought of me, to hold onto what shreds of dignity I could maintain as an unfashionable introverted dork. It was almost like a presence, past-me slouching next to us with a sulk as I tried to find out where the young man was spending his afternoons.
Hours later, after much earnest conversation with my friend, she says simply, “you’re good for my heart and my soul” and it was the hot summer sun that evaporated that old “me”. This is what sustained me when I needed it most, the thought that I was giving of myself in a way that made people I care about happy in some deep way.
I remembered the first time someone told me I kept them from killing themselves, and the first time someone thanked me for just being me, and the incredible power in admitting your mistakes in order to grow past them … and the chill of that shy and confused “me” was but a scent on the wind.
I’m incredibly fortunate. Not just fortunate that I survived being a teen – fortunate to survive with what I would call a healthy and full heart, and to have found a fearlessness in sharing that, and to have great, warm, giving friends who cherish that in me.
I am who I am today because other people gave of themselves to me, helping me to grow myself; you just want to pay that forward over and over again.
I am the best “me” I can be, right now, and I look forward to meeting me again, some day down the road. What will I think of this one, then?
I’m thinking this you is doing rather all right indeed, and you’ll remember it.
I really love this post. It’s the first time I’ve seen someone else talk about talking to their other selves through time in a way that is cognitively similar to my own thinking. Thank you!
Thanks! I had a lot of time to mull it over during the blizzard that had me crawling on the freeway.
Thanks! I had a lot of time to mull it over during the blizzard that had me crawling on the freeway.
I’m thinking this you is doing rather all right indeed, and you’ll remember it.
I really love this post. It’s the first time I’ve seen someone else talk about talking to their other selves through time in a way that is cognitively similar to my own thinking. Thank you!
I’m truly grateful to have you as a friend. :)
Awww *beams*
HAPPY FREAKIN’ BIRTHDAY!
Thank you! You big silly!
Thank you! You big silly!
Awww *beams*
HAPPY FREAKIN’ BIRTHDAY!
I’m truly grateful to have you as a friend. :)
Well, I’m going to have to say that you’ll like a LOT about your current ‘me’. We like you, so that means that all right-thinking individuals will like you.
I also like the cut of -your- jib, sir.
I also like the cut of -your- jib, sir.
Well, I’m going to have to say that you’ll like a LOT about your current ‘me’. We like you, so that means that all right-thinking individuals will like you.
Despite and because of all the shit that’s gone on, I’m a better person than the me of five years ago.
I am still digging you as a friend. ;)
Despite and because of all the shit that’s gone on, I’m a better person than the me of five years ago.
I am still digging you as a friend. ;)
Remembering that “me” felt like wading into a wet swamp that sucked at your boots. I remembered vividly what it was like to never be sure of myself, to fear what other people thought of me, to hold onto what shreds of dignity I could maintain as an unfashionable introverted dork.
I empathize completely, except the unfashionable part.
Remembering that “me” felt like wading into a wet swamp that sucked at your boots. I remembered vividly what it was like to never be sure of myself, to fear what other people thought of me, to hold onto what shreds of dignity I could maintain as an unfashionable introverted dork.
I empathize completely, except the unfashionable part.
*hugs you*
*hugs you*