What you say, What you do, and Who you are
(stolen entirely from the author of Tribes and All Marketers are Liars)
We no longer care what you say.
We care a great deal about what you do.
If you charge for hand raking but use a leaf blower when the client isn’t home
If you sneak into an exercise class because you were on the wait list and it isn’t fair cause you never get a bike
If you snicker behind the boss’s back
If you don’t pay attention in meetings
If you argue with a customer instead of delighting them
If you copy work and pass it off as your own
If you shade the truth a little
If you lobby to preserve the unsustainable status quo
If you network to get, not to give
If you do as little as you can get away with…then we already know who you are.
No one says anything because it isn’t worth their time. Someone else will get the promotion or receive the favor, simple as that.
For me personally, few things are more frustrating than bitching when there’s work to be done. I love to crab-ass on my own time, believe me, but don’t make my project even more of a hassle by complaining.
Let’s talk about fairness and control for a minute (Note: this is behavior theory – not chatter about real people.)
The problem with being hyper-concerned with what you deserve and what is equal all the time is twofold.
One: You only control yourself. You can ask people to change for the sake of fairness, but you can’t demand it.
Two: Your definition of equity is subjective. Maybe you’re the one who has all the facts right. Probably not. ;)
There’s really only one thing you can assuredly do in an unfair situation – walk away. It won’t fix it for others, and the price may be more than you’re willing to pay, but it’s the only thing entirely within your control.
That means every other option besides walking away is a negotiation between people. And in most situations, people have other priorities besides ensuring you are getting a fair deal. The phone company, your boss, even your mother has other priorities.
When we cheat, hedge, or lie, we’re stacking the deck in our favor. At that moment, we think we’re compensating for what was already unfair – but the other person only sees that we’ve just stacked the deck (and probably against them).
You can, maybe, see where this leads to explosions.
The point is, not only is nothing fair, but fair isn’t even real. What is real, and has far more impact on our lives, is our relationship to other people.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, as ever.
I’m trying very hard to read this post and respond with deep thoughts, but all I’m reading is “chatter chatter chatter come home and let’s have crazy monkey sex chatter chatter”
I think my mind is in a strange place today.
P.S. – this doesn’t just apply to the workplace/schoolplace, obviously. I’m glad our relationship is “fair” in the sense that we pay attention to each other and don’t need to hedge, lie, cheat because we’ve already been completely open with each other. Also, our definition of equity in relation to each other is (mostly) on the same page. I think we’ll do just fine. *love*
P.P.S. Sometimes I don’t pay attention in meetings. Or class. Or when you’re talking. Or writing LJ posts. I hope that doesn’t make me a bad person. *winks*
I like deep thoughts like this.
Specifically the chatter chatter monkey sex, I mean.
In fact, if this entire comment section was solely about us having crazy monkey sex, well… that’s all good.
In fact, perhaps you were somehow clued in to my subconscious, because that’s all I was really thinking while writing my post.
I think our relationship is reasonably fair because we both talk to each other about what we think is fair rather than attempting to “gain” equity behind each other’s backs. We don’t always agree, but we do agree that our relationship is more important than any given argument.
As for your P.P.S., never fear – I’m not even paying attention right now. Must be distracted or somethin’.
…
boobiesnowplz?
::love:: for both of you.
not that I’m distracted now too or anything…
;)
By and large, I agree.
Not only is it infantile to subscribe to the illusion of “fairness”, but it also tends to distract from an issue that actually deserves the kind of dedication that we funnel into trying to make sure everything comes out even (from our perspective, for us, of course): making sure that everyone gets what he or she actually needs.
The latter is a more interesting problem: more mature, more complex, and much more important. In short, it’s much more deserving of the cleverness we spend on trying to finagle extras and trick our way into better deals. The former should fade away from our list of goals at about the time we lose our myth of central positioning.
If there are two phrases that always irk me (and believe me, there are), “Got mine” and “I do me” definitely qualify.
I’ve never heard “I do me”, but I presume someone says it like, “I don’t -do- that, I do -me-“, yeah?
I had been thinking along similar lines lately. More specifically with the idea of “I’ve earned this” or “this is what I deserve”. That is where I find the biggest difficulty in expecting other people (or bosses, or companies) to be reasonable, or “fair”. (cough*or for you to be “fair” with them*cough) Phew! :clears throat:
There is going to be an inherent imbalance in relationships of any sort, but any time you include hubris or entitlement – you’re more likely to make things worse, instead of “better”.
I have more to say about that, but at the same time, I have difficulty with the concept of “just walking away”. I GET that the only thing that you can control in any given situation is yourself, and your reactions, and I understand the importance of letting things go that can only serve to bother you more by still being involved.
On the other hand – I hate the “imbalance” or “unfairness” of a system that rewards (however temporarily it might be) those people that have figured out how to take advantage of it (or the people involved in said system), while seemingly punishing those willing to work through the hoops, or make up for what other people have not done.
So, yeah – I have specific instances in mind. :grin:
As I see it, “greedy” people (using this definition) are people who are incapable of taking the long view when it comes to their own needs and desires.
I feel very strongly that in many respects these are temporary or minor “gains” made by behaving this way – especially because I think far more people detect this behavior than we really know.
The imbalance works itself out in deeper ways – not karma necessarily, but a person willing to scam others repeatedly will usually find themselves punished in small and large ways (unless they’re selling stocks, of course).
When I’m feeling my most outraged that someone got away with something, I try to sort of assess myself – am I feeling jealousy? What can I do to address my own feelings? Is it such an immediate or long-term problem that it should be affecting my precious and easily-swayed mental attitude?
Moreso, I can think of dozens of times that I’ve decided to go out of my way to point out or stand up in such situations of iniquity, and it has not worked out in my favor. So as a point of action, I can either stew on it for no productive reason, or let it go.
*grins* Call me the ultimate in selfish, but it’s not about them, it’s about me. :D