I was listening to the radio on the way to get a bite to eat, and a muslim woman who’s part of a muslim-jewish discussion group is answering a question about whether it is tough to always have to be pointing out that following the muslim faith truly means being committed to nonviolence.
She said that it was just the truth, and that she didn’t want to discount the very real pain felt by people who have experienced that violence, and that it is something not assumed in this world, so she must say so.
I thought about how that applies to me. I have been known to rail occasionally against how I have to put in the effort, on a frequent basis, with women, to prove that I’m not some violent douche. I’m a big guy, and I’ve had scores of experiences where women who don’t know me have crossed the street to avoid me (trust me here).
While on the one hand, it feels pretty lame to have to be an apologist for men… it is true that I believe it takes more strength of character to have self-control – in fact, that making rational decisions based on respect and honor is tied into what a man is, for me. And so men who manipulate and abuse women (or anyone) are weak and unmanly in my eyes.
Even moreso … that abuse is very real. And as annoying as it is to have to say “that’s not me” … I don’t want to discount the very real experiences that some women (many women) have had that brought them to that place of distrust in the first place.
It’s not really about me. And ultimately, it’s not that much of a burden. I’d rather have to prove to strangers that I’m not some horrible monster they’ve come to expect than be the person expecting that horrible monster at every turn.
Awesome! Thank you for making my morning. Smart people rule.
Oddly enough, I just read a blog post called “Schrödinger’s Rapist”. Schrödinger’s Rapist It is tempting me to write my own post, in my own words, about the same subject. I have attempted to explain to men in my life the daily cautionary measures that are just part of being a woman. Things like avoiding certain situations – having to walk to my car after dark in a large parking lot, making an effort not to end up alone with a man I don’t know in elevators, stairwells, and other isolated, enclosed environments, etc. These things are just common sense for any woman, and more so for women who have been victimized in the past.
I’m tired of feeling guilty and mean for offending “nice guys” by doing the things that at this point in my life are instinct. I’m tired of having to point out what is to me obvious – that I need to be cautious about meeting them for the first time and do it during the day in a public place. I’m so sick of that hurt look or wounded tone of voice when I say I would prefer to continue meeting in public until I know them better and am comfortable with them.
At the same time I feel for them that they too are a victim of their gender. They are automatically suspect for no other reason than being male. Add to that suspicion if they are at all large, though I know even a skinny little guy is usually stronger than I am. I make an effort not to get impatient when I have to explain things that I feel should be obvious. I make a point of telling them it’s not personal, it’s just the way I do things for safety reasons. I try to remember that they really aren’t “the enemy”. I remind myself and them that I wouldn’t be taking a chance on them if I didn’t think they were a nice person.
We are all victims of our gender to some extent. It’s not about women being overly defensive or men being threatening. Certain gender roles simply can’t be ignored. I think if we all make an effort to be a little more understanding of the others position, those roles won’t be so difficult to be in.